What kind of teacher I am. Officially I'm not a teacher. I'm an academic. A professor. A Doctor. But I spend up to 4 hours a day in a classroom, talking, managing, organizing. I spend countless hours marking, preparing lessons and doing general admin. On top of that I keep up to date with research, conference applications and general reading. I have very little time to write. In class I try to be enthusiastic, fun and inspiring. I want the students to love literature as much as I do. I genuinely care when they're not doing well or they're confused and especially when they're bored.
I love my job.
I feel grateful that I get to do it. That I am charged with this responsibility.
I feel amazed that I got through the 4 years of hell that was my PHD. I think I deserve my position, title and salary because of it.
But I doubt myself constantly. Nobody taught me how to teach. Nobody showed me how to manage a classroom. These are things I am just supposed to know. I battle every day to be good at something that I was never trained for.
Now I am faced with one more challenge, final grades are due in a couple of weeks and I have to face the bell curve. I have to push these mostly awesome young people into the percentages decided by some other higher authority, maybe in a ruse to protect or attract government funding. I feel sick that 10% need to get a D grade. I feel overwhelmed that I have to alter and doctor their grades so they fit the prescribed trends.
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