Opportunities

It's that time of year, the time when new academic positions are advertised for the universities following a US academic year. I'm sifting through the suggestions in my inbox and dreaming about moving to Hong Kong, Shanghai or even just Seoul. We have no reason to leave here, I like this town, even though it's tiny and remote. We have found a community of creative and like minded people to hang out with and even do some projects with.

But there is always this restless pull in me. Ambition. I want to be appreciated in my job more. I want better opportunities for growth. One of the best parts of my job is that I'm left completely independent and have no contact with administration and rarely confer with colleagues. It means I can essentially do what I want. But it's also one of the worst parts- the disconnection from other academics and there is no encouragement to be innovative or engage in professional development. The other foreigners here are ESL teachers, all of them and they do not understand my job and why it is different. They are all on a 'break' from real life for a couple of years or so and do not take teaching seriously. They don't get that I worked my ass off for 12 years to get this position.

This morning I applied for a Hong Kong job and immediately I can picture us living there, in some massive high rise, me taking the metro to work every day, Glen playing regular shows and working online. I would never need to cook. The shopping would be amazing. We could go on quick and cheap weekends away.

I hope I'm not too disappointed if none of these applications turn into anything. I will be content if we stay here, I will find a way to make it work. There is not the same discontent I felt when we were in Osaka this time last year and I KNEW I had to do something different or I would implode.

It's been a thousand years...

... since I last blogged properly, and even though I think about it often, I don't really have the urge to write. Until tonight. Today I found out, quite by accident, that my high school Italian teacher died in December last year. Signora Carter was a wonderful teacher, enthusiastic, helpful, funny... she even visited me in hospital when I spent my 16th birthday suffering from Glandular Fever. Even though I haven't seen her since I graduate A LONG TIME AGO, I've thought about her often over the years... I imagined running into her one day when I was home for Christmas. I would have loved to have sat down with a coffee and told her about my life now. Told her how much her teaching meant to me. Today I feel a bit shaken up about it, she was too young, she had daughters who would be teenagers now... I never got a chance to tell her how much I appreciated her work. How I still love and speak Italian to this day, mostly because of her passion. I'm feeling sad and nostalgic for everything from home- I'm in touch with a handful of school friends, I left my hometown 15 years ago, I've never been back to my school. I feel very, very far away right now. Maybe it is also because everything is so unsettled here at the moment- we are on the brink of SOMETHING but nobody is sure what it is. I keep waiting for it to happen, but everything is carrying on as normal. There are papers to grade, student's to counsel, exams to write. I feel tense AND sad tonight.

I'm still trying to figure out...

What kind of teacher I am. Officially I'm not a teacher. I'm an academic. A professor. A Doctor. But I spend up to 4 hours a day in a classroom, talking, managing, organizing. I spend countless hours marking, preparing lessons and doing general admin. On top of that I keep up to date with research, conference applications and general reading. I have very little time to write. In class I try to be enthusiastic, fun and inspiring. I want the students to love literature as much as I do. I genuinely care when they're not doing well or they're confused and especially when they're bored.

I love my job.

I feel grateful that I get to do it. That I am charged with this responsibility.

I feel amazed that I got through the 4 years of hell that was my PHD. I think I deserve my position, title and salary because of it.

But I doubt myself constantly. Nobody taught me how to teach. Nobody showed me how to manage a classroom. These are things I am just supposed to know. I battle every day to be good at something that I was never trained for.

Now I am faced with one more challenge, final grades are due in a couple of weeks and I have to face the bell curve. I have to push these mostly awesome young people into the percentages decided by some other higher authority, maybe in a ruse to protect or attract government funding. I feel sick that 10% need to get a D grade. I feel overwhelmed that I have to alter and doctor their grades so they fit the prescribed trends.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Things I've eaten this week

I had a pretty good weekend... went to Busan on Saturday and walked around Nampo- the shopping district. Didn't buy much. Ate a massive hamburger and found an Asian food shop and stocked up on curry pastes and sauces.

Watched Burn AFter Reading. It's been ages since I'd seen it and it was soooo good.



Pork and black bean noodles topped with a fried egg (that kind of fell apart upon plating).


Chicken pho with bokchoy, carrots and lots of coriander (this is hard to get here so was a real luxury item)



Grilled coriander and lemon chicken with a roast carrot, broccoli and chickpea salad.

Yesterday a massive typhoon came through, the third one in the last month. This was pretty big, it rained for about 36 hours straight and then we had violent winds for about 8 hours during the day. I didn't cancel classes, but I understand why not many students showed up. I stayed in my office all day and watched it through the rattling windows. Today, it's like nothing ever happened. But it's definitely cooler- Autumn is on the way! Yay for wardrobe changes!

Birthday blues

It was my birthday a few days ago. I always have mixed feelings about it- I love other people's birthdays and I love organising big celebrations for them. But my birthday was marred by an incident about 11 years ago... and it's never felt the same since.

This year I was in Korea, at work and alone for most of the day. It really didn't feel like my birthday. And despite lots of Facebook messages and emails it didn't feel special at all. Maybe because no one said 'Happy Birthday' in person. I felt miserable all day... when I Skyped with Glen I even started crying, suddenly it all felt too much- being here, too broke to even take myself out for dinner (waiting on an international bank transfer to come through)... I taught a few classes, did some research and then went home early to watch Offspring. Late in the afternoon I got an email with the above photo in it- I'm not sure if you can tell but it's a collage made up of photos of my face. I love it! It really made me smile.

I shouldn't complain too much because the weekend before I went to Osaka! It was so nice to be back, so great to see all my friends again, even though it'll probably be the last time for a while.

 Yes, there were tequila shots.

 And mexican food.

And messy drunken photos with random bar patrons.

New job, new country

So... that brief dry spell of writing turned into more than a month of silence! What happened in that month? We went to Hong Kong and Seoul. We ate a lot. I wrapped up a year in Osaka and moved to South Korea. I'm sitting in my office now, with a small tropical storm happening outside, thinking about the last few days. I left Osaka on Sunday after a weekend of goodbyes. It was very, very difficult to get on that plane, especially without G. I love Japan and I love him more.

I was really hungover and exhausted for the 1.5 hour flight, 20 minute taxi, 1.5 hour bus and 10 minute taxi to the university. I was confused, dehydrated and starving. I spent about 30 minutes wandering around the campus looking for my apartment and finally found it just as my new boss rocked up in his car. He helped me carry the massive suitcase up four flights of stairs. He took me to the department and showed me my new office. It was filled with paper, boxes and all my predecessor's crap. Later that day I realised the apartment had no bed, I went to the nearest department store and bought a futon. I was miserable that night. I cried myself to sleep and wondered what I had done.

But the next few days were better. I ate some really good pizza. I got a double bed. I discovered English TV. I set up my office. I slowly waded my way through the papers and books and tried to figure out what I need to do next week when classes start. G changed his flights so he's coming a month earlier. I skyped my Mum every day. A super typhoon came and I didn't know what to do so I just stayed inside watching CNN. I took a bus!

Big things happening

I know I haven't even written about the engagement yet... I'm not sure what to say- it was PERFECT. A huge surprise, in front of all our friends, in a video game bar in downtown Osaka. G was playing a show and during the last song he pulled me up on stage, knelt down and all the TV screens suddenly said 'Will You Marry Me?' I said, 'Are you joking???' and he asked again and I said 'ummm okaaay.' The last two weeks have been full of excitement, joy and well... panic. Not about getting married! That I'm okay with.

But in 2 weeks my PHD thesis is due.

In 3 weeks we go to Hong Kong and Seoul on vacation.

In 6 weeks I move to South Korea to start a new job.

The last thing only happened a few days ago. I feel sick and miserable about leaving Japan, but I think it's the right thing to do for my career and for our future. I REALLY hope it's the right thing.